I Can’t Be Happy If You’re Mad at Me
We all have someone in our lives who controls us emotionally, whether we like it or not
It didn’t matter to my first wife that I couldn’t sleep if she was mad at me.
My identity and psychological well-being were almost completely at the mercy of her level of happiness and kindness toward me.
Said plainly, if she was happy I was happy; if she was upset I was upset.
I had the perfect volatile mix of overblown ego resting comfortably on a foundation of subservience.
I felt that my wife — in no small part — had chosen me because I could make her happy. And when she wasn’t happy, I saw it as a failure.
We both settled into a strange way of controlling each other.
She knew all she had to do was display some frustration, disgust, or anger, and it would throw me into an uncontrollable mental tizzy of disappointment and sometimes anger.
I eventually realized that if I didn’t react and respond to her unhappiness, she would remain dissatisfied until I begged her to be happy again.
And by the time I stopped caring whether she was unhappy, it was too late to save the marriage.
I learned that her happiness was not within my control. And she learned that I was not going to fulfill all the promises I made while we were dating because I made those promises when I was under the hypnotic, insane, punch-drunk love, desperation of a man who would’ve said anything to win her heart.
For those of you thinking I’m sounding a bit chauvinist, privileged, entitled, and man-babyish…maybe you’re right…I did promise her many times that if she’d marry me, I’d be wildly successful and take care of her every need.
That was my toxic masculinity — believing if I became the financial, emotional, head-of-household, bedrock, strength of the marriage that it would entitle me to a certain level of patriarchy, control, and privilege, and would result in me being treated, royally. I was only 24, and not yet ripe. I could’ve been a better man.
Since my first divorce, I’ve been married again and I’ve had a serious girlfriend. But I still found myself being emotionally manipulated (again, this is my mental disposition) by their state of emotional and psychological well-being.
What kind of foolish clown was I trying to be?
It’s true, when we have a bad day at work, or a fight with our spouse, or are being spammed all day by high-tech scammers trying to steal from us, it’s going to affect our mental and emotional well-being.
But for people pleasers like me, the most difficult lesson to learn is that some people can never be pleased…particularly with circumstances over which we have no control.
People like me, have to accept that when other people are upset, despondent, or depressed, it usually has nothing to do with me….and when it does, it’s typically unintentional.
Everyone is ultimately responsible for their satisfaction and happiness.
People will come and go in our lives — sometimes based simply on how someone’s vibe makes us feel.
Most couples go through an, ‘I’m getting tired of him/her,’ phase where the mind wonders aloud what an unmarried life might feel like.
It’s also important to remind ourselves that many happy people don’t demonstrate happiness with predictable mannerisms like overt, smiles, giggles, laughs, or even a slight, tee-hee-hee.
Some people have a resting poker face…..even when they're deliriously happy.
CONCLUSION:
Yes, we can be happy regardless of how many people like us….or think we’re kind, smart, considerate, and attractive.
Yes….it hurts when someone we love is critical of our life choices or when a friend takes us for granted or says horrible things behind our backs.
But learning not to give a f*ck — as many self-help books advise — may be the key to finding peace and harmony within ourselves.
It may be that a certain amount of emotional control over our spouse is part of the trade-off necessary to keep each other interested and motivated within a marriage.
Perhaps an occasional verbal threat or ultimatum is warranted, particularly if one person becomes complacent, lazy, or unresponsive to the other’s needs.
Maybe, I have some kind of undiagnosed mental disease where I’m too sensitive to what other people think and am unduly influenced by other’s opinions or criticisms.
Or….maybe I’ve learned that I’m not responsible for anyone else's happiness any more than I’m responsible for the weather.
I’m not certain I’ll ever marry again….but I am certain I’ll never end up emotionally dependent on someone else.
I think…
